January 28, 2011

PiFF with Oliver Sayers!

7:00 AM | Posted by C.J. Ellisson | | Edit Post
Oliver Sayers reached out to me on Facebook last year and we became connected in the cyber universe. I remember seeing comments from him on posts and engaging him in conversation. But other than Facebook, we don't know each other. So, I was especially pleased when he reached out to me to become today's Pay it Forward edit. I'm honored he thinks enough of my work he'd like me to lend eyes to his own.
Oliver's excerpt is from his current high fantasy manuscript - meaning swords and horses in an epic tale. The feel and flow, even the language, is often more formal than in contemporary fiction. Thankfully, I grew up reading Tolkien, Mercedes Lackey, Anne McCaffrey, Piers Anthony, Katherine Kerr, Terry Brooks... and well, the list goes on and on.  
Here is the opening to Chapter Five, titled Seduction:
His eyelids drooped. The cup rolled away from his hand. A slow smile spread over his face as his body relaxed. He mumbled something to himself then laughed. I dared hardly breathe. I had waited, yearned for this moment for so long I was almost paralysed into inaction. Something inside me knew that what I was doing was wrong but the thought finally spurred me into taking the next step. I reached over and pulled Sithion’s face gently towards mine. My lips sank into the soft fullness of his. The day’s growth on his chin bristled against my cheek. My tongue sought and then entered the space between his teeth. He groaned softly. Slowly I pulled his shirt over his head. He sank back down onto the roll of blankets. I gazed at his chest, soft black hairs spread up from his navel to form a pair of wings across the top. I ran my fingers over the surface of it, caressing and teasing. His arms were strong and wiry, scars from old sword wounds visible in the firelight. I traced my finger along one that I had witnessed him receive two years previously. He smiled again and took my hand in his. With my free hand I pulled at the laces on his hose, I drew them down over his muscular legs, brushing the soft hair with my hand. He lay there naked, still, unresisting.
 I unlaced my own tunic and let it drop to the floor. I removed my soft silk leggings until I was as naked as he. He opened his eyes, catching sight of my naked form. Through the blurred vision of the drug he would not have noticed the reminders of old battles that my body also bore. I crouched over him and then with slow movement drew him inside me. All at once it seemed that my whole body was aflame with hot mercury coursing through my veins. Visions of everything rushed before my mind’s eye as I sank into him again and again. Suddenly my mind froze with extreme clarity and I knew a great and secret truth: a truth that has been hidden forever, a truth that if revealed could overturn the order of everything; the truth that the Elvari had lied about for as long as living records survived. And with that certain knowledge I cried out in my own language and Sithion cried out in his and I felt the completeness of our union inside me.
Sithion sank into a deep and peaceful sleep; his body heavy with the fulfilment of desire and the weight of the potion. I though could not sleep. Instead I lay staring out into the night, my mind alive with the possibilities that had been revealed. So the Elvari leaders had sought to hide the truth about sexual union? The long held division of the body for sensual pleasure and the body as fighting machine melted inside me. The body was the body was the body. Union with another did not relinquish the ability to fight, as had been taught, no in fact it strengthened it. It made you more agile, faster, sharper and stronger; but why had they lied for so long? Why keep this secret for so long? What could they have gained?
~~*~~
Formatting, as I covered in last week's post, is very hard and I'm not sure if there is a class on it. Lots of this writing stuff is self-taught, as I'm sure most of my peers can attest to. Like I said last week, large blocks of text can often be hard for the reader to digest. I broke some of the large sections down, but that doesn't mean it's exactly the way the author might like it, so there is some wiggle room on when to insert a paragraph break.
The biggest issue I found in Oliver's work was feeling slightly apart from it. At times I wasn't sure of the action in the sensual portion and when I was reading the descriptions I felt more like the story was being told to me rather than allowing me to live it with the character.  Sometimes you can restructure a sentence and balance the elements of "showing" with "telling" other times you need to scrap a few lines and try again.
I tried to convey the scene a little more concisely, but Oliver may feel my additions don't keep with his original feel and decide not to use them. The original piece was 550 words and I whittled 33 words off and tried to bring some showing into the piece. Here is my edited version (edits in blue):


His eyelids drooped as the tainted cup rolled away from his hand. A slow smile spread over his face while his body relaxed. He mumbled something then let out a short laugh.[CJE1] 
 I dared [CJE2]b reathe. I waited, yearning for this moment for so long I felt almost paralysed. Something inside me knew the wrongness of what I planned, but the thought [CJE3] finally spurred me into taking the next step.
Reaching over, I drew Sithion’s face toward mine. My lips brushed the soft fullness of his. The day’s growth on his chin bristled my cheek. Pressing deeper, my tongue entered the space between his teeth. A soft groan seeped from him causing a tingle to race down my spine.
I eased him forward to pull his shirt over his head. Letting him drift back to the roll of blankets, I gazed at his torso. Soft black hairs spread up from his navel to form a pair of wings across his broad chest. Running my fingers over the heated skin, I caressed and teased him to arousal.
Tinged with the glow from the fire, his arms appeared strong and wiry, coated in scars from old sword wounds. Tracing a finger along one, I recalled him receiving it two years past. He smiled again and took my hand in his.
With my free hand I pulled at the laces on his hose, drawing them down over his muscular legs, skimming the soft hair on my way. He lay naked, unresisting.
 I undressed while his eyes stood half-lidded, perhaps catching sight of my naked form. Through the blurred vision of the drug he may not have discerned the battle reminders my body also bore.
Crouching over him, I slowly drew his length inside me. Once our hips met, I felt inflamed, like hot mercury coursed through my veins[CJE4] . Visions of everything rushed before my mind’s eye as I sank onto him again and again.
 My mind froze with extreme clarity and I knew a great and secret truth. A truth hidden forever, a truth—if revealed—could overturn the order of everything. A truth the Elvari lied about for as long as living records survived.
With the new knowledge pounding through ever fiber of my being, I cried out in release. Sithion’s moans soon reached my ears and I felt the completeness of our union inside me.
Sithion drifted into a deep and peaceful sleep; his body heavy with satiation and the weight of the potion. Sleep eluded me. Staring out into the night, my mind whirred with the revealed possibilities.
So, the Elvari leaders sought to hide the truth about sexual union? The long held belief, division of the body for sensual pleasure or the body as fighting machine, melted inside me. A body was the body, pure and simple. Union with another did not relinquish the ability to fight. No—in fact, it strengthened it.
The energy coursing through me could only equate to being agile, faster, sharper and stronger. But, why had they lied for so long? Why keep this secret? What could they have gained?

 [CJE1]You need to break up the large blocks of text – most times a paragraph 3-5 sentences long works best on the page for a reader.

 [CJE2]Careful of the overuse of ‘ly’ words, they are a sign of weak verbs and words choices. Try to tighten by using them less often and still convey the same meaning by re-wording the sentence.

 [CJE3]Which thought spurred her into taking the next step? The wrong one that involved drugging him or something else?

 [CJE4] We need to be brought into the moment with all five senses – what does she hear, taste, smell and feel in addition to see? Let us experience as she does, even in past tense we can be brought into the moment simple by changing the wording and how we deliver the same information.

Thank you so much, Oliver, for being on Pay it Forward Fridays. It is my sincerest hope you find some of my edits useful and you toss the ones you don't agree with. I wish you only the best as you continue to polish this WIP for submission.
For those of you who'd like to support Oliver, you can find him here on Facebook.
I'd like to keep having this segment on my blog each week, but no one else has emailed me with an interest for next week. Hopefully, today's post will bring some more writers forward, ones eager to improve their work and reach out to another writer who's always willing to lend some time.
For those of you with an interest, please read this initial post describing PiFF and I hope to hear from you!
Once again, keep comments civil or they will be deleted.
Cheers,
C.J.
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3 comments:

Nicole Hadaway said...

Wow -- awesome edits, CJ! Mr. Sayers brings us into a great scene and a great story, but I found that the sentence structure kept me out of it a bit -- there wasn't enough flow. You took out alot of the sentences beginning with "I" and smoothed it over to really show how great the scene and the story is. Again, great work by you and Mr. Sayers!

January 28, 2011 1:15 PM
C.J. Ellisson said...

Thanks, Nikki! And thanks for stopping by to comment! I liked what he was trying to convey as well and found with just some small tweaks it flowed better in the readers head.

While these posts get a lot of hits I'm not getting any takers for future weeks of PiFF :-( Hopefully I'll have some takers in the future to keep going with it and I really appreciate you stopping by to read and get involved.

Thanks again!

January 28, 2011 2:08 PM
Tammy Carter said...

Another good one C.J. I learn so much from this. I hope you get more submissions. It really helps to see the before and after to feel the correction. I my trying to train my mind to flow instead of the play by play and realizing that I don't have to describe everything my minds eye sees.

I am going to bring this up at my writers group (local) in February. Maybe i'll get some takers for you.

Good luck Oliver. I just wish I was on chapter 5 of my WIP, lol.

January 30, 2011 8:17 PM

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About this blog:

"Who the heck is this C.J. chick?"

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